In what experts are calling “an absolute design horror show,” small business owners across the nation are reporting terrifying sightings of outdated fonts, ancient logos, and stock photo from a time before smartphone existed, leaving their marketing materials haunted and refusing to die.

Sources have confirmed that business owners are waking up in cold sweats, only to realize they’re still using fonts from the early 2000s that they thought they buried years ago.

Fonts like Arial and Comic Sans continue to lurk in the shadows of their branding materials, creeping into newsletters, brochures, and—the scariest of them all—PowerPoint presentations.

“I thought I’d gotten rid of it,” said a local cafe owner Tina Walters, still visibly shaken from her encounter with a super aggressive Papyrus font in her email signature. “But then I opened my website and—oh God—there it was. Comic Sans, staring right back at me. It’s like it never left.”

Ghost from the past: they just wont stay dead

Experts are saying that fonts from 2007 are like design vampires: impossible to kill and always hungry for more. You can rebrand, update your log, even burn your old marketing materials in a sacrificial bonfire under a full moon, but sooner or later, Arial will dig its way back into your invoice, proposals and…if you’re unlucky, your Instagram posts.

“It’s a tale as old as time,” said Wendy McKnight, a branding exorcist who specializes purging small businesses of haunting (and haunted) design elements. “You’d think you’ve moved on. You believe you’re safe. But as soon as your working on your next flyer, BAM, there’s Times New Roman just sitting there thinking like it owns the place. It’s as relentless as Beetlejuice.”

McKnight signed and added, “Look, I don’t want to scare anyone. But I’ve seen fonts form 1998 still hanging out on mission statement. Honestly, it’s an epidemic.”

Stock photos that just won’t die

But it’s not just the fonts that are causing nightmares. Even more dark and sinister are the stock photos from the late 2000s that continue to haunt websites and brochures with their forced smiles and dead-eyed stares, just looking for the next meme so they can continue to live eternally.

“I opened my about page, and there they were: three stock photo models in business casual, shaking hands in front of a Windows XP desktop,” said Marcus Flannery, owner of a local IT consulting firm. “It’s just like they’ve been haunting my website for decades, waiting for me to update my brand. They’re always there. Smiling. Unblinking, like they know I can never escape them.”

Brand consultants warn that using stock photos from 2007 is the marketing equivalent of keeping a haunted VHS. “If you don’t update these photos,” said McKnight, “your business is going to be come irrelevant in seven days.”

“I tried everything,” Flannery added with a trembling voice. “I bought new photos, hired a professional photographer, but every time I open my library…they’re still there. It’s a branding nightmare.”

Your logo: a monster of your own creation

We can’t forget about logos: gradients, drop shadows, clip art.

If you’re lucky, it’ll make your logo look retro. If you’re not, it’s going to look like something straight out of WordArt circa 2005.

“I created my logo in PowerPoint because I thought it would be easy,” said one anonymous business owner who wished to remain nameless. “Now it’s been close to 15 years and I just can’t get rid of it. I feel trapped in a bad dream where my brand identity is stuck in a time when MySpace was cool.”

McKnight agrees that designing a logo in softwares like WordArt, it stays around to haunt you, even through every rebrand attempt.

So what can you do if your brand is truly haunted by the mistakes of your past? How do you purge your business of the cursed fonts, stock photos and logos that just won’t die?

Brand exorcists recommend a full branding exorcism. “It’s the only way to truly free yourself,” said McKnight, lighting sage around a cursed business card that featured three different fonts and a gradient logo. “You have to go deep. Hire a designer. Replace every last Arial. Banish all the outdated logos, and for the love of God, stop using stock photos from a time when Bluetooth headsets were considered futuristic.”

If your brand is still trapped in a branding horror show, don’t wait for the ghost of design past to strike again. Book a call with Hey, Carl! and we’ll exorcise those fonts, banish the stock photos and finally…finally let your brand rest in peace (or at least in Helvetica).

Book a call now! If you don’t, well… your logo might just rise from the dead in a hauntingly way.